So I graduate in a week. And as expected I’m so excited. Thirteen years later, and I’m finished school. It’s crazy to think that this part of my life is over, that I’m going out to the real world (because apparently school isn’t real). But I’m also so nervous. With all my university applications out there, waiting to be accepted, or declined. I may not get into the course I want, which I keep telling myself isn’t the end of the world, but internally it will be. I know what I want, and where I want to go in life, and this is the first step.

Then there’s also the fact that uni will be nothing like school. It will be hard, and it will work me into the ground. It’s not, ‘oh if I fail it’s fine. I’ll just do better next time’. No, it’s if I fail, I will have to repeat the semester, costing even more than this course already does. Everything always comes down to money.

I also have this irrational fear of being an adult. Having to make big decisions, and fix everything yourself. Having to do everything alone, my worse fear. But then I realise, I wouldn’t be alone, Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean my friends and family wouldn’t be there. Don’t be stupid. Anxiety always has something to say about my thoughts.

And then there’s having to provide for yourself. Bills, and rent and food. All the things you don’t realise your parents do when you’re a kid. The money struggles, and the week where you have to give something up because ‘shit, if I don’t pay this, they’re going to cut off the power’. It wouldn’t be working for money to go shopping any more. It would be money to live, all the essentials.

When you’re a kid, you think you have it bad. That life’s hard, and your parents hate you. And that one kid in your class has the best life, and you would give anything to be them. There’s always something that you want, and you’ll die if you don’t get it. Then, as a teenager, you have a little more insight. The world isn’t perfect place anymore. Shit happens, and people are mean. You realise that everything your parents do is to teach you, and provide for you. But you still think no one understands, that you have it worse than anyone else. But there is always someone who has it worse, and someone always has it better.

I’m going to leave it at that. Jus my little rant. Talk to you later,

Sapphire Xxx

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