So as I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m starting university this year, and I’m honestly so nervous! I recently got my licence, my parents have a car I can drive, I have a job, I’m doing my teacher certificate for dancing. I’m going to be a lot more independent, which scares me so much! I’ve never not had to rely on anyone before! It’s always been, “Mum, can you drive me here?”, “Dad, can I have money for this?”, and whilst I think I’m ready for the next part of my life, my anxiety is on high alert at all the new things that are coming my way. It’s going to be hard, and stressful. I’m most likely going to work myself into the ground, again. There’s going to be blood, and sweat, and tears.
The thing that scares me the most is uni. Because, what if I fail? What if it’s too hard for me? What if I get there, and realise this isn’t what I want to do, even though I know I want to be a writer/editor? What if, because I don’t like the course, I decide to give up, and not do what I need to, in order to be able to achieve I want with my life? And whilst I’m self motivated, and too ambitious for my own good, I don’t trust myself enough to be able to handle the pressure. From my parents to be the best I can, from my friends, from myself to be then best. To be perfect. I’m too hard on myself, I push myself to the breaking point, and then wonder why I’ve fallen off the cliff. It’s stupid if you think about. To put so much weight on my own shoulders that my spine can no longer support myself, and I collapse. I crash and crumble.
However it’s the uncertainty that kills me. The “what ifs”. Because no one can really say what will come, how it will happen, or how I will handle it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could see the future, but at the same time, I think that would be even scarier… To see how my how life will go, how I will die… I just can’t do life sometimes, you get me? Probably not – it’s an anxiety thing.
Anyways, I’m going to end this rant before I have a panic attack… I’ll talk to you later,